Manufacturers need to do anything they can to make their products visible to the purchasing public.
One easy way to grab someone’s attention is with a quick, catchy sentence (I write headlines for a living, so I get that). Unfortunately, those claims don’t always hold much credence once they’re closely examined.
This edition of Junk Mail will take a look at some of the more outlandish assertions made in product pitches. As always, a product’s appearance here does not mean I endorse it.
• “Family game night just got a whole lot more interesting!”
Thus begins the pitch for the Play it Safe Board game. This new product features more than 600 multiple choice questions for all ages that discuss first aid, Internet safety, stranger danger and how to handle natural disasters. The game also comes with fingerprint/DNA identification kits, a home fire escape plan and a first aid guide.
As a parent, I can’t knock this product’s intentions. Teaching my children safety will be an important topic in the years to come.
But good intentions don’t always yield benefits. Remember that claim up above, and then remember the games you played as a kid (or as an adult). Would you have been more interested in Play it Safe than, say, Scrabble or Trivial Pursuit?
It does no good to discuss something via a medium that no one will use (perhaps it’s ironic, actually, that such a statement is made by a newspaper writer). I know that if this game ever was pulled out during my youth on game night — not that there was a game night, mind you — my interest would be anywhere but there.
• “Icicle deaths eliminated by new ice-melting technology.”
I wasn’t aware that icicles actually killed anyone (although Ralphie Parker came close). Nonetheless, I’m encouraged to hear that such fatalities have been eradicated from this planet, so I feel compelled to read on.
“The inventors of Gutterglove gutter guard are unveiling a ‘heated’ gutter guard that is the first of its kind in much-needed icicle hazard areas of the world.”
First of all, as this sentence is written, it’s the “icicle hazard areas of the world” that are “much-needed,” not the product. But even if you interpret its intent, why haven’t I been told about any of these hazard zones? Is my house in one of them?
Anyway, the release goes on to describe the Gutterglove IceBreaker, which melts icicles, snow and other winter impediments in a home’s gutters.
I’ve been a homeowner for several years, and I’ve lived in a home my entire life. Any time I’ve encountered an icicle, I pulled it down. Some forms of technology simply don’t need updating. But I guess that the pitch is technically correct, since if there aren’t any icicle deaths to begin with, the product can’t lead to any.
• “The next greatest invention since the wheel!”
This is not a bad introduction, actually. It grabs the reader’s interest, and it’s ambiguous enough to require further reading. But the product better live up to this sort of hope-building.
“Trying to balance vehicle fluid bottles without tipping them over or spilling and making a mess is sometimes next to impossible ... at times like that, don’t you wish you had another hand? Unifunnel Hands-Free Funnel Holder makes that possible.”
Hopes ... crushed.
The Unifunnel works by holding the funnel like a pair of pliers, while four stabilizing prongs are inserted into the tank opening for stabilization. That seems like more work than just holding the funnel with your hand.
And about the “hands-free” approach: Unless you’re the one-armed man who killed Richard Kimble’s wife, you don’t really need an apparatus to hold the funnel for you. Heck, I can even pour oil through a funnel into my car’s engine, and I am as mechanically impaired as your average caveman (except I’d have frozen to death because of an inability to make fire).
So in the end, this product’s opening pitch falls far short. The Unifunnel wouldn’t even be the “greatest invention since the wheel” if it were the only invention since the wheel.
Contact Paul Lane at 693-1000, ext. 116, or paul.lane@tonawanda-news.com.
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JUNK MAIL: What's in a claim?
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